Last Call
(Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bottle)

I don't remember what was said when I caught you two in bed
But now I sit here drinkin' shit beer, chasin' Johnnie Walker Red
It's not the fact you wrecked my world, or that you left me for a girl
But now supposin' the bar is closin', I've got no place left to curl

So barkeep, please don't shout last call
Or I might just end it all
Just keep it comin' with the alcohol

I never touched one drop with you. I knew it would upset you to
But now I slump here drinkin' skunk beer, chasin' Johnnie Walker Blue
The more I drink, the more I see I don't need you to comfort me
Through empty bottles and beer I've got total clarity

Oh barkeep, please don't shout that call
Or I might just end it all
Just keep it flowin' with the alcohol

Oh, when tomorrow comes around, where do you think that I'll be found?
I've had enough to kill a full-grown cow
Oh, when tomorrow comes around, I may be six feet underground
But I'll still have one more for now

I saw your face when dawn had cracked. You pled with me to take you back
I soaked the reverie in when everything went Johnnie Walker Black
I'd just remembered what was said, but seeing your face had calmed my head
And I'd let bygones become bygones if I could return again

Oh, when tomorrow comes around, do you think that I'll be found?
I had enough to kill a full-grown cow
And when tomorrow comes around, looks like I'll be six feet underground
Too bad I never had that final round

This was my last call for someone's aid
Now it's the last call for Heaven's train
If only you weren't too late

About the song

The kazoos, the video, the countless shots of Johnnie Walker brought to me onstage while playing... I knew it was gonna be a toe-tapper when I wrote it, but I never thought it would catch on the way it did. In fact, this is one of two songs I've written in my life where I actually had to stop and think, "This is way too catchy for me not to have ripped it off."

I was going to save this track solely for Diamond Days, but a friend of mine saw me play it live while I was still writing Seconds, and demanded that I include it on there. The re-recording happened because I still wanted it on Diamond Days as part of the "storyline" or whatever, but also because I wanted a full band ensemble, and, of course, I had this grand (some would call it ludicrous) idea to throw in a mass kazoo breakdown. This might be my best lyrical work as far as rhyme scheme, recurring themes, and plot. And yes, I'm going to be stroking my ego in a few of these entries.

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